I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
