My liver just broke up with me...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
