I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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