My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
