final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I can't turn off my feet"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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