Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
