im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
