On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
