apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
