Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
