I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
