New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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