I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
