Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
