he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
