your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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