I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
