idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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