Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
