he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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