In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
