worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
