Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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