Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
