Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
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Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
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Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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