Texts From Last Night

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  (650): View more from California

  like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.

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  (650): like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it. http://tfl.nu/vsdn
  Replies (13) Good night (870) Bad night (1888)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.

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  (419): it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants. http://tfl.nu/uvta
  Replies (40) Good night (3184) Bad night (619)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.

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  (703): BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP. http://tfl.nu/bqsy
  Replies (20) Good night (988) Bad night (6519)
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i love accidental penises.

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  (414): i love accidental penises. http://tfl.nu/xi6f
  Replies (16) Good night (3002) Bad night (1066)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  no, that is not a typo

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

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  (401): i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night (401): no, that is not a typo (401): i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday http://tfl.nu/nleu
  Replies (50) Good night (6623) Bad night (2201)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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  (781): the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator http://tfl.nu/8mwn
  Replies (32) Good night (11986) Bad night (1181)
• Favorite

  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

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  (709): apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos. http://tfl.nu/b1xi
  Replies (22) Good night (1130) Bad night (4103)
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.

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  (920): The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila. http://tfl.nu/42di
  Replies (8) Good night (1443) Bad night (3932)
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.

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  (904): Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer. http://tfl.nu/ug99
  Replies (11) Good night (1957) Bad night (1303)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.

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  (360): There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it. http://tfl.nu/jy69
  Replies (21) Good night (2179) Bad night (573)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?

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  (410): She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted? http://tfl.nu/werq
  Replies (7) Good night (600) Bad night (2668)
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?

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  (260): If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok? http://tfl.nu/erl3
  Replies (3) Good night (1454) Bad night (536)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well

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  (+44): The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well http://tfl.nu/us1u
  Replies (2) Good night (534) Bad night (310)
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.

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  (760): Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs. http://tfl.nu/59iv
  Replies (5) Good night (559) Bad night (313)
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped

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  (806): Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped http://tfl.nu/37q2
  Replies (1) Good night (509) Bad night (211)

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