i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
