You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.