Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
