I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
