i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
