Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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