Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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