I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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