God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.