So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.