saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.