I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
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Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
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I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care