i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
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Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
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Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up