very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone