also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
