i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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