She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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