They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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