our cab driver is having phone sex.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
