I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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