we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
