my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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