why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
