I am puke
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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