I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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