The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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