it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
