Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
