You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
