i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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