I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
