if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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