I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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