I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
