I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
