Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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