the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
