I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.