He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
