Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
