I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
