Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
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i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
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I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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