I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
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There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
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So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.